Here We Go

Left ear cochlear implant as worn by user

Left ear cochlear implant as worn by user (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sorry about the lack of posts, I’ve been pretty busy lately with being in show and the end of the semester and stuff. But anyways here is the new one…

So new occurrences in my life, it’s starting to really seem like my hearing is still continuing to go down. It’s like my hearing changes with the weather. Everyday I feel like its gone down so low it couldn’t possibly go down any further but several days later it will surprise me again with a new record of lowness. Last night this girl was talking to me and I knew she was talking because her lips were moving, but no sound was coming out of her mouth, to me at least. I didn’t tell her because it was odd. It was really weird for me. Usually I at least hear a little noise that can be interpreted. It was very strange and a little unnerving, I would at least like to hear a little before all of my hearing is taken away in surgery.

Apparently I’ve been offending people lately too. Like somebody will be talking to me right next to me and I don’t hear them. This goes back to why I’m getting surgery. I seriously cannot hear any noises sometimes and when somebody is talking to me, it may seem like I’m paying attention but then I’ll just walk away. I’m really not trying to be that rude but it really comes across that way. This also leads to the isolation thing, people think I’m being rude so they avoid me. Then they talk about my rudeness to others and it spreads. It also looks like I’m ignoring directions backstage when somebody tells me something to do, and I don’t do it. Honestly, I’m not trying to be that way.

Another thing that’s changing is the fact that I’m not hearing intercom announcements backstage anymore. That is weird. Those things were blaring loud at first and now they are not so much. It seriously feels like somebody shoved some cotton balls in my ears and pushed me out in the real world.

I’ve always been taught that there is no point to sit and mope about circumstances that are out of my control. I’ve always been told to do the best I can with what I have and make it better. This is something that has always kept me going. This blog is purely an observation of pre-surgery symptoms that I’m experiencing.

Even though my body is going through these weird changes (gah! it sounds like I’m describing puberty) everybody still expects top performance around me. I cannot slack on my grades or I loose my scholarship, I cannot slack on my crew or my grades fail, I cannot slack on communication with friends or I have the potential to have them get very angry with me because as much as they love me, they just don’t understand, I cannot slack on any parts of my life.

I’ve chosen to make myself a mainstreamed student (meaning, I make myself part of normal society, not in the deaf society like deaf classes and sign language) and one of the downfalls is that nobody really can quite understand what it can be like to experince these events that I do on a daily basis. I don’t blame anybody by any means, and I’m very happy with my speech ability to make myself able to be a part of mainstreamed classes. It can just be difficult, just like everybody has their obstacles in life. The only difference is, is that I’ve decided to start a blog about mine!

Every time I get a chance, I thank God for the ability to speak and be a part of mainstreamed society, I thank him for the ability to get a cochlear implant, and I thank him for everything he’s given me. Even though I don’t have my hearing, I’ve been given the ability to read lips and the intelligence to get around that downfall. I’ve been provided with a great life and a great education to further my great life, I have great friends around me and I’m very thankful for it.

Even though some things don’t work out the way I would’ve wanted, there isn’t a thing I can do about it. They are completely out of my control. To waste my days on thinking and moping about it would be a waste of what I do have. At times it can seem like I don’t have much, but others it seems like I have almost too much. Be thankful for what you have because there is always somebody who has less. They might be sitting next to you in a class you have or in a restaurant your eating in.

Have a good day folks.

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5 thoughts on “Here We Go

  1. Meghan says:

    Only 17 more days!!!

  2. This is wonderful deary!! I love ya and will take you Christmas shopping after your big day!! WE CAN GET ICE CREAM!!

  3. Anonymous says:

    this is good.i thamk god for giving me the ability to hear.good luck with the OP!!!

  4. Anonymous says:

    this is good. i thank god 4r giving me hearing.good luck wth the OP.england.

  5. Anonymous says:

    its so interesting learning about your experience and what you've gone through. thanks for keeping this blog! i hope everything is going great for you now after your surgery!

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